What do the numbers on the CNBC ticker mean?

There, I’ve asked the question you were afraid to ask, and now I, your Dear Stock Leader, shall provide you the answer.

In all seriousness, I couldn’t answer this question until my senior year of college; if I can learn about stocks and make them my living, I have no doubt any of you with enough curiosity to read this can improve your investments and money management skills.

OK, back to the question at hand.

When I was a stock layman, I knew you wanted to “buy” a stock and, in theory, “sell” it for a profit in the future. What didn’t occur to me was that there was another human being on the opposite end of my “buy” or “sell”.

In other words, if I want to buy a share of Apple (symbol: AAPL) for $450, there has to be someone willing to sell me a share for $450. When that happens, a trade is made. THAT is what you see on the CNBC ticker: The most recent price of trades in various companies, including AAPL.

So what I missed by not seeing the human element of all stock trades was that the laws of supply and demand apply equally to stocks as they do to anything people buy and sell. And moreover, while there’s a tangible value to a stock’s earnings and/or dividend payments, every stock has an intangible value that is based on MANY people’s opinion of how the underlying company is doing presently and will do in the future. This is known as “the market”, but you could easily call it “demand”.

Of course, demand can naturally be as fickle as the people that create it, so indeed, understanding human nature and emotions is just as important as understanding your favorite company’s financials.

Next time, I’ll continue this series with “What makes a stock valuable, and how do I compare it to other stocks?”

Religion, Life, Death, and Harry Kalas

When news of Harry Kalas’ death broke, my immediate reactions were surprise and sadness. But then I quickly thought, I could write a great obituary about Kalas, and that is something to be celebrated, not lamented. “I could write a great obituary about him” is the ultimate compliment; it indicates a life well lived.

Then I thought about people in my life that I could say the same thing about. I find that comforting. Hey, we’re all going to bite the dust someday; might as well learn to deal with it. No one is promised anything in this world, and anyone who lived 73 years, did what he loved for decades, got married, and raised three sons is one of the lucky ones.

The thing is, Kalas died, but he’s not really dead. His voice will live on for generations in NFL Films and Philadelphia Phillies highlights. But you don’t have to be famous to live on. Even if I were unaware of Kalas’ existence, his wife, sons, and the rest of his friends and family will remember him, and they will tell stories about Harry to future generations. More importantly, if Kalas was a good dad, that is his real legacy, not his work. If Kalas was a good dad, then his sons will be good dads too, and so on. To me, regardless of your religion, that is the only afterlife you can truly count on.

Someone once asked me why I would do good things if I don’t believe in Heaven. When you think about it, that is the most self-centered reason to do the right thing imaginable. People don’t have to fear the wrath of God to do the right thing. And if you’re a complete narcissist, here’s what’s in it for you: When you’re a good person, good things happen to you. The phrase “nice guys finish last” is poppycock. When you’re a good person, other people are drawn to you, and when other people love you and would do anything for you, there’s no better feeling in the world. Nice guys make more money too; no one wants to work with a jackass. Bernie Madoff eventually got his comeuppance.

Your kids don’t really learn right from wrong in The Bible, the Qur’an, or any other religious book. They learn it by watching you.

Whatever your religion is, I have no interest in debating its merits. In my book, if you treat people as you would like to be treated – yep, an agnostic is referencing The Golden Rule – then you’re a good person. If your religion works for you, awesome; I’m happy that you’re happy. However, fear of death is the wrong reason to buy into any faith.

As an agnostic, while I don’t dismiss the idea of a greater power of some sort, I have to assume there is no afterlife. All I know for sure is I’ve been given a life, and however long that life lasts, I have opportunities to love, be loved, and be remembered as a good guy. Even if it’s all over for me personally when I die, that is more than enough for me.

When we look at obituaries, we often focus on the dates of birth and death, because those numbers remind us of our own mortality. But instead of focusing on the scary part of Kalas’ 1936-2009, we should focus on all the incredible things he accomplished, and most of all, the lives he touched and helped create. This will probably sound corny, but I don’t care: Life isn’t perfect and it’s often unfair, but love makes it all worthwhile to me -- that, and a good obituary. Just make sure mine isn’t written by a hack.

Don’t fear death; embrace life.

And with that, I’ll leave you with some of my favorite quotes from Carlos Castaneda’s don Juan series of books.

"Think of your death now," don Juan said suddenly. "It is at arm's length. It may tap you at any moment, so really you have no time for crappy thoughts and moods. None of us have time for that."

“Acts have power. Especially when the person acting knows that those acts are his last battle. There is a strange consuming happiness in acting with the full knowledge that whatever one is doing may very well be one's last act on earth. I recommend that you reconsider your life and bring your acts into that light.

“You don't have time, my friend. That is the misfortune of human beings. None of us have sufficient time. Your acts cannot possibly have the flair, the power, the compelling force of the acts performed by a man who knows that he is fighting his last battle on earth.”

Comedy Central can suck my licorice stick

According to TVSeriesFinale.com, we've seen the last episode of Chocolate News, and as you can tell, I'm pissed.

Unless Comedy Central is slashing its budget, the move makes little sense given the show's respectable ratings. The 2.2 million that watched the premiere surpassed the brilliant Colbert Report's debut by about a million. Why Comedy Central would cancel Chocolate News after a mere 10 episodes is beyond me. What was it expecting? Instant smash hits like South Park and Chappelle's Show are few and far between.

David Alan Grier's over-the-top, in-your-face style isn't for everyone. Occasionally, I find it a bit overbearing as well. Admittedly, I didn't think Chocolate News was as good as Chappelle's Show, the show it's most often compared to, but there was enough goodness there to warrant a spot on my coveted DVR schedule. Sure, there was a healthy amount of sophomoric humor, but there was plenty of intelligent satire as well.

Who knows what Chocolate News could have become if given a chance? I'll never understand why TV people think spending lots of time, money, and effort developing a show and then canceling it after six or 10 episodes is a good business model. Seinfeld struggled in the ratings initially, but someone at NBC decided the show was funny and deserved the benefit of the doubt. What if NBC canceled it after 10 episodes? It would have cost itself enormous amounts of money and forever changed the course of comedy history.

DAG is one of the most under-appreciated talents of the past 20 years, and the saddest part is it appeared he finally found a forum to best showcase his considerable abilities. He can do just about any voice imaginable, he has done stand-up, he can sing and dance a little bit, and unlike many comedians, I found him equally if not more funny off-the-cuff than scripted.

I'm not saying Chocolate News was going to be as influential as Seinfeld, but in a crowded TV landscape where, not one, but two guys who were in celebrity sex tapes (Bret Michaels and Ray J) have their own reality dating shows, there should be plenty of room for Chocolate News. Unfortunately, I'm afraid the show's cancellation is yet another sad commentary on how dumb most of our popular culture is becoming.

PARKS AND RECREATION off to a solid start

Pilots are always tricky: You get 22 minutes to introduce the main characters, premise, and squeeze in enough laughs to keep the audience coming back for more. To me, Parks and Rec's pilot succeeded on all three levels.

But before I start praising the show, let me get my one concern out of the way. While The Office is one of my favorite shows ever, Parks and Rec might be too similar. The tone is nearly identical, and it's shot and presented in the exact same mockumentary style. It's inevitable, and also slightly unfair, that Parks and Rec, with one episode in the books, will be compared to a highly popular show in its fifth season. I hope Parks and Rec is given a fair chance and not overly burdened by the comparisons. Great shows rarely hit their peak immediately.

Having said that, Parks and Rec will ultimately resonate with viewers if the characters are as hilariously quirky, varied, and likable as those on The Office. (See, I told ya the comparisons were inevitable.) So far, so good. Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) is a naive do-gooder who, like The Office's Michael Scott (Steve Carell), thinks her job makes her a much bigger deal than she actually is. Poehler nails the character in the pilot, and it will be interesting to see how she develops one character over time instead of playing multiple roles on Saturday Night Live.

The rest of the cast had a promising start too. Scrubs fans will recognize Aziz Ansari from his brief stint as the charismatic, lazy intern who drew Dr. Cox's ire and ultimately couldn't make it as a doctor. Ansari plays a similar character in Parks and Rec, and his carefree attitude and blatant come-on to Ann Perkins (Rashida Jones) during a committee meeting is an effective contrast to Leslie's more serious approach. Leslie's Bobby Knight-worshipping boss (Nick Offerman) and Ann's temporarily disabled boyfriend (Chris Pratt) also made me chuckle.

Along with giving me some good laughs, the pilot set up the season's primary arc, gave us a peek at each character's world, and teased possible romantic intrigue between Leslie and Mark Brendanawicz (Paul Schneider); no small feat in 22 minutes.

Another big plus in Parks and Rec's favor: Greg Daniels. He and Michael Schur created the show, and Daniels has about as impressive of a comedic resume as anyone. Along with being one of The Office's creators and head writers, Daniels co-created King of the Hill with Mike Judge, co-wrote "The Parking Space" episode of Seinfeld with Larry David, was a writer on Saturday Night Live from 1987 to 1990, and got writing credits on some of the greatest Simpsons episodes ever, including "Homer Badman" and "22 Short Films About Springfield".

While it's far too early to proclaim Parks and Rec a hit, the pilot was certainly auspicious enough to give it a shot. If you missed the pilot, check out NBC.com or tune in next Thursday night for episode No. 2.

Western Kentucky is complaining about the wrong time-out situation

At the end of Gonzaga's 83-81 victory tonight, Western Kentucky coach Ken McDonald was upset that the officials didn't see him call time out with 0.9 second left, and rightfully so. Regardless, the Hilltoppers would have needed a Laettner-esque miracle to win at that point.

They would have been a lot better off using that time out after Steffphon Pettigrew's beautiful tip-in tied it with 7.2 seconds left. That would have allowed WKU to calm down, set its defense, and insert its best defenders. Instead, Gonzaga wisely inbounded quickly and pushed. WKU's Orlando Mendez-Valdez played an outstanding game, scoring 25 and hitting 7-of-10 from 3, but he and the rest of the Hilltoppers played terrible defense on the last play. Mendez-Valdez was guarding Demetri Goodson on the winning play...at least until he inexplicably let Goodson drive unmolested from about 20 feet with no help defenders in sight. That has to be miscommunication, something the Hilltoppers could have prevented with a time out before Gonzaga inbounded.

Great shot by Goodson and a tremendously exciting final 10 seconds, but McDonald needs to look in the mirror before he starts berating the officials tonight.

Do I really have Mizzou going to the Final Four?

By golly, it appears I do. Does this make me the biggest homer in basketball history? Quite possibly, but normally, I'm realistic about Mizzou's chances in the tournament. Of course, Mizzou hasn't made an NCAA appearance since 2003, so maybe I'm irrationally exuberant. Only one way to find out...

First-Round Upsets

Texas A&M over BYU, Utah State over Marquette, Maryland over Cal, Portland State over Xavier, Western Kentucky over Illinois, and Temple over Arizona State.

I didn't pick anything terribly shocking in the first other than Portland State. ESPN Insider's Peter Keating created an interesting statistical model analyzing which high seeds are vulnerable to a big upset and which low seeds could pull it off. Xavier, because it relies heavily on free throws and has a poor turnovers-versus-turnovers-forced ratio, is "as good an upset pick as you'll find in the first round." Good enough for me.

Keating also thinks Kansas is vulnerable against North Dakota State, making it his "best bet" in the Midwest. As much as I'd love to see that happen, I can't go that far.

Also, since everyone and Dickie V's mother is taking Arizona over Utah and VCU over UCLA, I'm going against the grain. I think people are getting a little too excited about VCU in particular; the Duke upset from two years ago is still fresh in everyone's mind. But let's not go nuts. VCU's Eric Maynor will play in the NBA, but so will at least two guys in UCLA's starting five. Also, Keating's model says UCLA has a 0% chance of being upset. Since he started it in 2004, no 0% team has lost in the first round.

Sweet Sixteen

Louisville, Wake Forest, West Virginia, Michigan State, Connecticut, Purdue, Missouri, Memphis, Pittsburgh, Florida State, UCLA, Duke, North Carolina, Gonzaga, Temple, and Oklahoma.

West Virginia impressed in the Big East tournament, and Kansas looked terrible in its last two games after killing Missouri at home.

I doubt many have Temple over Syracuse, but I needed to take a chance. I love Syracuse's Jonny Flynn, and Eric Devendorf ain't too shabby either, despite being the most hated college player since J.J. Redick. However, Syracuse was only 1-5 against the Big East's top five, and it looks ripe for an upset according to Keating's system. Syracuse relies heavily on free throws, and it turns the ball over a lot without forcing many in its 2-3 zone. Plus, Temple is playing its best ball now.

Elite Eight

Louisville, Michigan State, Purdue, Mizzou, Pitt, Duke, Gonzaga, and Oklahoma.

Purdue takes down UConn. Ever since DeJuan Blair used an arm-bar takedown on Hasheem Thabeet, I've been questioning UConn's toughness. Purdue has a healthy Robbie Hummel and plays excellent defense. Purdue center JaJuan Johnson is big enough and athletic enough to neutralize Thabeet. He can also draw Thabeet away from the bucket if he's hitting from the outside.

A potential Mizzou-Memphis game could be an epic track meet. Memphis has a little more talent, but the teams are eerily similar. Both play up-tempo on both ends of the floor, and their forwards can play on the perimeter. Thus, Memphis doesn't have the size to exploit Mizzou's lack of size, and vice versa. Missouri appears to have more depth, and Mike Anderson proved at UAB that he can beat John Calipari. So, I'll give my Tigers the benefit of the doubt.

North Carolina flames out against Gonzaga. There's almost no chance Ty Lawson will be the same player in the tournament. Turf toe is not something that heals quickly, and if it's debilitating to running backs, it has to be equally bad for someone who relies on his quickness as much as Lawson. The talent gap between UNC and Gonzaga isn't as big as you might think.

Final Four

Louisville, Missouri, Pitt, and Oklahoma.

Yep, all Big East and Big 12. Honestly, I thought the ACC was better than the Big 12 overall this year, and I was tempted to take Duke over Pitt. However, I think Pitt can overpower Duke.

Missouri beats Purdue in a rematch of last season's 73-63 Missouri win in Columbia. I'm sure Purdue has improved since last season, but Missouri is drastically better than last season. Plus, Mizzou Arena wasn't the home-court advantage it became at the end of this season, with just 7,600 in the stands last year. I had no intentions of putting Mizzou in its first Final Four, but if it's going to play Purdue in the Elite Eight, let's roll the dice.

I think Blake Griffin is clearly the best player in the country, and I always have the best player's team going far. (That strategy screwed me two years ago when I had Kevin Durant's Longhorns going all the way, only to lose in the second round.)

Championship

I hate to agree with conventional wisdom, but the Big East has been by far the best conference. So, I'll take Pitt over Louisville to win the title. Pitt, along with having ample talent, is the kind of team that intimidates you as soon as it steps on the floor. If Blair possibly getting in foul trouble is the best reason to pick against Pitt, I feel pretty good. Any team is in trouble when its best player is on the bench.

Louisville ends Missouri's remarkable season. Since Louisville is capable of playing just about any style, I think it will handle Mizzou's pressure well. Despite the loss, Mike Anderson signs a massive contract extension, giving the metaphorical middle finger to the SEC after multiple teams had a chance to pursue him at UAB. Missouri wisely gave Anderson an opportunity, and I think it's a no-brainer that he'll stay if Mizzou shows him the money. There’s no reason to start another rebuilding project, unless he desperately wants to live in Alabama again.

Adam Carolla's podcast a wake-up call for big media

In late February, with practically no warning, CBS cancelled the smartest and funniest show on radio, The Adam Carolla Show. While the show was a ratings hit and had a cult-like following, CBS, amid tough economic times, cut its entire talk lineup on Los Angeles' KLSX. Instead, KLSX will broadcast the significantly cheaper alternative of top-40 music. (The show was also nationally syndicated and available via podcasts.)

Carolla's fans, myself included, were blindsided, but to Carolla's credit, he showed no bitterness during the show's final hours and said CBS merely made a "business decision." However, if the popularity of Carolla's new podcast is any indication, it was a poor one. Carolla's last radio show aired Friday, Feb. 20, and the audience was told the show was being cancelled the previous day. During those last two days, Carolla announced he would record his first podcast on AdamCarolla.com a little more than 48 hours after the show went dark. Because Carolla is under contract with CBS through 2009, the podcast is sponsor-free and free of charge to avoid breaching his contract. Despite his fans' relatively short notice, the first podcast was downloaded more than 200,000 times. The response exceeded Carolla's wildest expectations, and his podcast is now No. 1 on iTunes.

CBS might save money by getting rid of The Adam Carolla Show, but isn't it flushing money down the toilet by paying one of its greatest assets to stay home? If hundreds of thousands are downloading his podcasts daily, and he's getting high-quality guests like David Alan Grier, why wouldn't CBS capitalize on that? Advertisers are still figuring out the most effective means of advertising on podcasts, but surely there is a profitable way. Carolla guessed he'll spend about $3,000 a month producing the show, which is chump change relative to his audience's size.

If CBS makes a bunch of money playing top-40 hits during the next few years, wonderful. However, if it doesn't create any original content or develop talent in the future, it will become increasingly irrelevant. There are a million free ways to listen to pop music, including Pandora.com, the praises of which I recently sang. Every year, media is becoming more of a niche business, and few have a more loyal following than Carolla.

Instead of cutting costs that will merely help its short-term bottom line, CBS should focus on the changing radio landscape and how it will adapt. Being one of a many outlets for top-40 music will render it indistinguishable from the rest. While Carolla rose to prominence through radio and television (e.g. Loveline and The Man Show), he's clearly popular enough and technology has advanced enough that he can run his own show profitably.

This reality is a valuable bargaining chip for popular radio talent like Carolla, Howard Stern, and Rush Limbaugh. Big radio gave them a forum, but those three men are now bigger than radio. Independent podcasting also gives the host full creative control: The shows can be any length, no one is telling you what to talk about or what guests to book, and best of all, the FCC's rules don't fucking apply to podcasting.

Here's something for CBS to consider: Instead of doing away with talk entirely, why not focus on finding the next Carolla, Stern, or Limbaugh? Eventually, CBS could be like Triple-A Radio, where young talent goes to develop before advancing to The Majors (podcasting) on their own. CBS could sign promising talent to modest contracts, giving it a low risk-high reward business model.

Regardless, any media company is only as good as its content. And in my opinion, CBS made a foolish choice cutting a unique asset (Carolla) in favor of distributing something incredibly generic that is already available in numerous other media (top-40). Terrestrial radio is dying, and its lack of foresight and disregard for unique talent and programming are the two biggest reasons why.

LIVE 81st Academy Awards Rant

The Oscars is in desperate need of the straight-male perspective, so I'll take one for the team.

Barbara Walters Special

Yes, the Jonas Brothers performed with Stevie Wonder at The Grammys, but they forgot the words to “Superstitious.” (To be fair, I don't know the words either, and it’s one of my favorites.) At least they write music and play instruments.

Babs asks about the purity rings; I wonder if she is thinking, “I hope they didn't read about my affair with Sen. Edward Brooke.” Wait, one of these guys is 21? And he is wearing a purity ring? I'm officially questioning his purity.

By the way, Anne Hathaway was excellent on Saturday Night Live.

Anne is my age and single. Hmmm. Honestly, I’ve seen her look much hotter. Tragic.

Notice Anne says “hard drugs” would complicate things; I’m guessing she dabbles with reefer. (Aren't I great at putting words in people's mouths?)

Nice of Mickey Rourke to put his hand inside his waistband to start the interview.

Riveting interview with Rourke. He was by far the most interesting subject.

Red Carpet

Somehow, I doubt “Who designed your shoes?” would have been my first question for Kate Winslet.

Josh Brolin is married to Diane Lane? Nicely done. Brolin is on quite a roll with No Country for Old Men, W, and Milk. He was also a top-notch SNL host this season. I'm a fan.

Amy Adams…or Isla Fisher? Honestly, I thought they were the same person until last week. They look so much alike, it's a little eerie. A gay man approves of Amy's dress; bullet dodged.

Taraji Henson is looking mighty fine. Saw her on Conan, and she’s likable too.

Moment of the night so far: The interviewer asks Brad and Angie nothing, merely stopping them for a quick ass-kissing. You gotta love show business.

Valentino: World-famous designer or Brazilian soccer star?

Whoa, let’s get Freida Pinto closer to the camera, please. I don’t need a Danny Boyle close-up in HD.

It would be easy to make fun of Rourke’s love for his dogs, but if he was really that lonely, I feel sympathy.

High School Musical kids? Who cares?

We need Robin Roberts back on ESPN.

Angelina is Miley Cyrus’ “favorite person ever.” Billy Ray just had an anxiety attack.

Heidi Klum is looking scrumptious as always in that Diet Coke ad. Of course, designer Wolfgang Joop said she's too heavy to walk the runway. If I were president, he'd be deported to American Samoa.

Meryl Streep’s daughter and I need to meet.

It must be off-putting for the women to have all these people commenting on what they look like, whether positive or negative. The more analysis, the more creepy.

“I have NEVER seen such gorgeous pleating.” My thoughts exactly.

Seth Rogen has dropped some pounds. I hope he hasn’t given up the green.

The Oscars

Please let this thing actually end at 10:30; I’ve got bonds to trade at 7:20 a.m.

Where’s Regis? Come on, he was the Millionaire pioneer.

Creative opening number from Jackman. I liked the cheap sets and props, which I'm guessing were an homage to the poor economy.

Are these five ladies announcing the nominees for Best Supporting Actress, or is this the latest reboot of The View?

This is my first Viola Davis experience, but there’s something about her I like.

Man, if they have a presenter give every nominee for every category a mini-speech, this show will end sometime around Arbor Day.

Penelope Cruz wins. “I want to share this with my fellow nominees.” Psyche! It's mine, bitches! Cruz said she would go way over 45 seconds, but she kept it relatively short and sweet. That’s always a classy move, in my opinion.

Milk's screenwriter wins, and he just wants to live his life, fall in love, and get married. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find the woman of your dreams some day.

The analytical nerd in me loves how they present the screenplay nominees. It’s cool to see the words come alive on film.

Uh oh, Aniston and Jolie are too close. Jen, I’ll let you have my babies, I promise. I bet Brad wouldn’t mind another crack at that. And they cut to a laughing Jolie. Well, I guess she has nothing to be mad about…or she truly is a great actress. WALL-E was the lock of the night along with Heath Ledger.

Already on my fourth Heineken, and we’ve had one major award. This could be a long night.

Here’s my fashion analysis of the night: I hate dresses that push boobs up in an unrealistic way (e.g. Sarah Jessica Parker).

Button wins for Art Direction; possibly a bad sign for Slumdog. I’m telling ya, Oscar loves the Button-type movie. I’m not predicting a Button win, but I’m not ruling it out either. Button gets another for Makeup; this is starting to feel like the year Shakespeare in Love won.

The lowering of the giant screen is always dramatic.

Good thing The Oscars are on; the three NBA games on TV weren't competitive.

Jessica Biel is one of those women who actually looks better in a tank top and jeans.

James Franco and Rogen giggling at the dramatic movies was amusing. Actually, the best part was when Rogen cracked up live while Franco struggled to pronounce the winner’s German name.

More singing and dancing for Jackman, which isn’t exactly extinguishing the flames of those gay rumors. BEYONCE! My night is complete. I suppose she’s not skinny enough for the runway either. Idiots. Oh, so that is why the High School Musical kids are here.

Hey, Cuba Gooding made my point about Downey being brave for me! Let the record show, I said it first in my previous post. Ledger’s entire family is apparently here; as if they’d invite them all if he weren’t winning. And indeed, the Oscar is posthumously Heath’s. I thought the Ledgers did a wonderful job humbly accepting the award on Heath’s behalf. It’s impossible not to feel for them, and it was cool to see them focus on the joy of his win.

Man on Wire was a good bet to take Best Documentary too. That had to be the best magic trick in Oscar history.

Yet another Button win for Visual Effects.

Hey, The Dark Knight finally wins one for Sound Editing. Will Smith flubs the intro, but he’s so damned charismatic, he makes fun of himself and still manages to look cool doing it.

Was that John Mayer with Aniston? I thought they were Splitsville.

My favorite part of The Oscars is the historical montages, including the tribute to Jerry Lewis. Also looking forward to the “In Memoria” montage, as morbid as that sounds.

Damn. I’ve never seen Alicia Keyes look better.

Remember when Queen Latifah was just a rapper? What a transformation she’s had in her career. Man, I completely forgot that Paul Newman died.

THANK GOD! A MAJOR AWARD! Best Director is up; I was out of beer hours ago. Danny Boyle (Slumdog) wins. Looks like they’re about to wrap this baby up with a lightning round of majors.

Halle Berry is 42? Holy crap. I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers. Meryl Streep doesn’t look too shabby for being nearly 60 either. Winslet gets the nod. Mom has called all the winners so far. (She picked Downey but said Ledger would win.) I like that Winslet didn’t play coy and admitted she wanted to win. Good for her; she’s incredibly deserving.

By the way, where is Jack? This is the first Oscars I can remember where he wasn’t prominently seated close to the stage. The Lakers aren’t even in town.

Although I lamented the potential wasted time of every major nominee getting verbal fellatio from a presenter, I eventually warmed up to it. The nominees deserve some love, regardless if they win or not.

Sean Penn wins Best Actor, and frankly, I’m a little upset. Penn winning wasn't a shock, but I really wanted Rourke to get it. It’s not that Penn isn’t deserving, I was just a huge fan of The Wrestler, and Rourke single-handedly made a good movie great.

Slumdog wins Best Picture. I have no complaints even though it wasn’t my pick. There wasn't a single surprise all night. I want the last five hours of my life back.

Stefhon Hannah & Vaidotas Volkus: Reunited at last

The two former Missouri Tigers play for BC Siauliai, whose 9-4 record is good for 3rd in Lietuvos Krepšinio Lyga, Lithuania's premiere basketball league.

Hannah is sixth on the team in minutes, averaging 8.5 points, 4 assists, and 1.5 steals. So far, Lithuanian club-hoppers have allowed his jaw to remain intact. Volkus averages 4 points and a rebound in 11 minutes.

My Mom's Super Bowl

On second thought, The Oscars are probably a bigger deal to my mom than the Super Bowl is to me. I tried to avoid the Super Bowl pregame shows at all costs, but Mom will be locked into the Barbara Walters Special and the red-carpet show like Troy Polamalu on a receiver coming over the middle.

So, since she has seen more Oscar flicks than me, I'll temporarily get off the stage:

Best Picture: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. SLUMDOG offered the most unique and uplifting film experience of the year for me. It's a modern-day fairy tale with plenty of edge and excitement, and a good payoff that's a big relief of the non-stop tension built throughout the film. However, I enjoyed GRAN TORINO almost as much, but it wasn't nominated.

Best Actor: MICKEY ROURKE. This is a very tough pick. I'm thoroughly impressed by Frank Langella's FROST/NIXON, but equally moved by Sean Penn in MILK. However, the more I think about what Rourke put into playing the Ram, I think I've gotta give him the nod, and this isn't based on any of the "comeback" hype he's been getting. He's simply amazing in this role. At the same time, Langella and Penn did wonderful work in once-in-a-lifetime roles and are equally deserving, but didn't face the incredible demands that Rourke conquered in becoming a totally convincing pro wrestler. [NOTE: Clint Eastwood deserved a nomination for GRAN TORINO, another wonderful and touching performance.]

Best Actress: KATE WINSLET. Full disclosure -- the only other performance I saw was Anne Hathaway in RACHEL GETTING MARRIED, and she was quite good. Although Winslet is a good bet, I am not qualified to make a good comparison of these actresses. Streep & Jolie are always good, and I've seen plenty of good work by Melissa Leo.

Best Supporting Actor: ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Of course, Heath Ledger will win and everyone will be happy, but Downey's work in TROPIC THUNDER was much more demanding. He perfected three very different characters, while Ledger gave us one very scary villain. Oscar's very sentimental, so Downey's got no chance.

Best Suppporting Actress: PENELOPE CRUZ. I confess I haven't even seen her performance, but have read a lot about it and am convinced she's deserving. Marisa Tomei was good, but not great in THE WRESTLER, and I'm not a fan of nominations for women based on "brave" (read "degrading") work. Yes, she shows guts and almost every bit of her body, but that's not enough and some of the camerawork seems gratuitous.

Best Director: DANNY BOYLE. For me, SLUMDOG was fresh, exciting, and riveting. On the other hand, I was close to nodding off during THE READER. Ron Howard did great work with FROST/NIXON, but the other directors pale in comparison to SLUMDOG.

Best Song: I really liked Bruce Springsteen's song at the end of THE WRESTLER, but it wasn't nominated. Therefore, I'm going to go with the song at the end of SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE (two song were nominated from this film, but I don't know which is which).

My one disagreement: Best Picture. I liked Slumdog but not as much as The Wrestler or Gran Torino, neither of which was nominated. However, I'll go with Slumdog if forced to pick from the nominees. Slumdog seems like a sure-thing, but watch out for Benjamin Button; The Academy loves innovative movies that span a character's lifetime. Brad Pitt's nomination already shows Oscar likes the movie more than the general public considering many felt it was too long, and more importantly, Button wasn't engaging enough to carry the film.

Finally, one more thing about Downey: We've seen actresses like Tomei and Halle Berry called "brave" for essentially getting naked on film. Wasn't Downey brave for playing a black guy? In our politically correct world, if there wasn't at least a moment when he thought, "Ya know, essentially running around a Ben Stiller comedy in black face might end badly for me," then he's a much braver man than me. However, to the audience's credit, I haven't heard anyone take offense to Downey's brilliantly hilarious performance.

An old-fashioned brawl to whet your Mizzou-KU appetite

The Indiana Pacers-Detroit Pistons skirmish from a few years ago has nothing on this brouhaha. See, Captain Jack, this is how you assault a spectator. Considering this happened in 1961, I'm guessing a black Jayhawk throwing the first punch didn't do much for race relations. Yikes. If that happened in 2004, we'd still be seeing the video looped on ESPN.

Norm Stewart and Greg Church rap

Once upon a time, on a glorious day in 1987, the Missouri basketball Tigers made a rap video. And if you're a huge Mizzou fan and haven't seen this, then you've never lived.

The first rapper is Lynn Hardy, my former coach at Norm Stewart Camp. If you think the first few "performers" are bad, brace yourself for the white guys. Occasionally, I miss the 1980s. Church's mustache was something to behold.

(Apologies in advance for the poor audio quality.)